So, I haven’t updated my blogs or anything in a while. I wish I knew what stopped me until now. I must admit I am a procrastinator by
nature. I put things off until I have to
do them. I know when I write these posts
I dig in deep and ponder…and wander…and ponder some more. I believe my thought pattern went something
along the lines of ‘It’s not the right time.’
Or whatever that means.
However, writing is different. This year I learned just how much I love it. I’m
one of those who live almost entirely within their heads. It’s almost as though I’m a tiny person
living inside this overgrown machine that has joints that are starting to
creak, hair that rusts, and has lost a few pieces but otherwise still functions
well enough. When things happen to me,
or more accurately, when I react to them, it always takes me an extra second to
process it. That’s because as a
writer/poet/artist, what happens to me always happens twice, and occasionally,
depending on the nature of the event, even three or four times. The reason for this is because everything
that happens to me also happens to the people inside me; that is, the
characters in my head with which I share very cramped quarters with, whose
voices will often drown out my own. I
see and feel what ‘they’ see and feel, whoever they are.
It’s been another crazy year. I went from working three part-time jobs to
one full-time, then added a second part-time back in. At the moment I work sixty-plus hours a
week. It’s not easy but I’m used to
it. I know it’s a miracle this machine
called my body hasn’t broken down more often.
I can only thank God for that and ask for His continued blessing as I
try to find one job that will work better for me. Right now, it’s not so bad. My second job is
one I’m familiar with and it is a much more relaxed environment, even though it’s
security. Security is where I draw and
write the most. My first job may be
retail but it’s still the nicest store I’ve ever worked in. Earlier in the year we changed managers again
and the new guy is great. I feel sorry
for him though, because he has three little boys and likes to be very active in
their lives –i.e. sports. He probably
won’t last long. It’s a thankless
position. To be a manager in that job,
you practically have to live there.
Otherwise, I might have gone after it myself. Seeing as how I really have no life anyway, I’d
rather not, even if it means better pay.
I’ve been slowly but surely working through my finances. Two great things include my being able to pay
rent again. That may sound strange but I
feel quite guilty when I can’t pay rent to my dad. One credit card is gone for good-HALLELUJAH!
Now I just have to work my way through the others. The day I have none is the day I
rejoice. My goal is to someday never
have to rely on them ever again. They
are poison, pure and simple.
Next year will have me working extra hard to settle on one
good job that gives me time to work on my dream job-write and draw comics. This year I had an epiphany. It wasn’t a sudden verbalization or a new
idea, or anything like that. I just got
mad…sort of. It wasn’t the sort of anger
where I berate myself for my own shortcomings.
I used to do that a lot and it never did me any good. No, I just got tired of waiting and decided
to just go and do my absolute best work, my best effort and see what
happens. Well! It turns out that when I give myself a bit
more patience, I will crank out something pretty decent, as my Miss Impossible
piece showed me. I also banged out two
short stories in less than two weeks. Fan
fiction, but I loved it. In fact, I
loved it so much I lost sleep over finishing them! My writing forced me to admit I have a very
dark side. I like horror, suspense and
creepy stuff, but rarely verbalize it. I don’t read a lot of horror, although I
have read my share of Stephen King and Laurell K. Hamilton. As a Christian, it’s tough to admit that you
enjoy that stuff, but sometimes you have to show the power of evil, if only to
show how powerful good is when it is victorious. I like reading about the suffering of the
protagonists and how even after the world gets thrown at them, somehow they
find the strength to win. Both my art
and writing are still not where I want them to be skill-wise, but I’m much
better than I originally gave myself credit for. I’m going to use the resources I have and if
all goes well, A Stray will see the light of day next year. I think Miss Heather Wittenborn has waited
for me long enough.
I will also see if I can’t do something with my poetry. I might have enough for a book. Poetry does not come easy for me. I may only do a tiny handful of pieces in a
year, although with my new attitude on my art and writing, maybe it will come
to me faster. I guess I’ll have to find
out.
I’m also returning to acting. The more I see shows and movies, the more I
think to myself, “That looks like so much fun!”
Hard work, of course, but fun, and I will work tooth and nail to reprise
my role as Sister Hubert in Nunsense, come March 2014. I’ve been in and out of theater since I was
six years old, and ever since I stopped around 2011, I have missed it terribly. I’m a natural-born storyteller, and acting is
just an extension of that.
In other news, my niece turned five and is quite wise beyond
her years. I can’t believe she will be
in kindergarten soon. Wasn’t she just a
widdle peanut yesterday? What happened?? The other day she found out she’s going to be
a big sister and is super excited. She’s
already quite a leader when it comes to others, and she’s a natural performer,
too. We’ll see how she takes it when the
‘spotlight’ isn’t going to be on her as much with a new baby in the house. He or she will be due next July, which is
funny because both of my parents have their birthdays at that time.
More changes on the wind include my grandparents. One is in her 90’s and it’s quickly becoming
apparent that she will no longer be able to live independently. I’m grateful that she’s held it together for
as long as she has. Two of her sisters
have Alzheimer’s, and it is so hard on everyone. She doesn’t have it but it’s clear her mind
isn’t where it once was. As for my
other grandparents, they were planning on coming down this Christmas as usual
(they live farther up north) but my other grandma fell again and twisted her
ankle, so they are staying home. The
thing is, ‘home’ is what caused her to fall.
They have a lot of steps, and it’s clear that it’s becoming increasingly
difficult to move about.
On a last, sadder note, my dear friend in Denmark lost her
father right before Christmas. Everything
in me wants to fly there just so I can give her a hug in person. And so on it goes-life and aging and
death. I’ve lost family members this
year, too, and will soon greet an addition.
Traditions change, although the spirit of them remains. Just remember to hold your loved ones a
little tighter this holiday, because you really never know when the day will
come when you want to but can’t.
To all of my friends and family, near and far, both here and
across the pond, Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year. I may neither see you nor speak to you as
often as I’d like, but please know I think about you constantly. I love you all.
Jax
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