It's All About Me...NOT.

It’s All About Me…Not.

Well…I’ve had quite a rollercoaster of a month and a half or so.  As the season is finally starting to change again, it reminds me that, outside of God, very few things in this world remain the same for long.  Yet things stay the same, even as they are in a constant state of transition.  People grow older, like my 3-yr old niece, who is starting preschool already, people grow frail, like my great aunt, whose Alzheimer’s is steadily worsening, and people die, like my cousin, who finally lost her battle with a rare cancer, just days before her 36^th birthday.  It’s sad, but the beat goes on, as the song says, and big changes often comes in three’s, or at least they do for me.

Speaking of birthdays, I recently turned 36 myself.    It was probably one of the most uneventful birthdays I’ve ever had.  I had to work overnight, which is a blessing to me because my hours at all three jobs were chopped.  It really sucks to know you are so old and yet are unable to live independently.  Tonight I’m at the same place, an apartment complex called The Statesider.  It houses UW students-mostly freshmen.  It's interesting, and everyone usually behaves themselves, or at least they do so far.

Still, I’m finding I’m learning a lot, and always from various sources.  Being so very poor has forced me to really rely on God and to take a harsh look at how I spend my money.  It’s made me realize that I am way too self-indulgent and not careful enough, even though I don’t make extravagant purchases.  My triggers are a bunch of little things that eventually add up to big debt.  I can’t do math in my head, but I insist on giving a “guesstimate” and hope it’s close enough to what I think it is.  That’s just plain dumb and irresponsible. Somehow, I must put a stop to that immediately.   

Actually, I hope to one day never have to rely on credit cards ever again.  I’ve studied up on the plan conjured up by Dave Ramsey, radio host and financial guru.  His plan to get out of debt is hard but solid.  It requires sacrifice and constant vigilance, relying on cash only, or a debit card.  I started on it when I was working full-time, but ever since my schedule changed, I’ve fallen off the wagon.  Look him up some time and judge for yourself.  Don’t let the fact that he’s a Christian scare you.  You’d be surprised just how often the subjects of money, debt and prosperity show up in the Bible.  It’s not just about the love of money is the root of all evil, etc., etc.  You’d be amazed at the amount of wisdom there is just on the subject of money and debt.  Proverbs 22:7 says, “The rich rule over the poor, and the borrower is slave to the lender.”  (Modern translations say servant rather than slave, but slave is really a better word for it.) I am a slave to my debt, especially my credit card debt.  If I didn’t have that, I’d have a lot less to worry about.  The thing is, that credit card debt is there only because I put it there.  It’s entirely my fault, and it’s up to me to pay it off.

What really gets to me is how easily I and many people have been duped into thinking debt is a good thing.  How foolish!  Didn’t The Great Depression teach us anything?  Sure, my generation wasn’t there to witness it, but so what?  Why do we always have to have the wolves on our heels to realize just how much danger we’re really in?  That goes for so many other things, too.

That’s one lesson I’ve been relearning.  What else? 

My faith.  That’s a big one.  I’m going to talk about my Christianity now, because that’s perhaps the biggest part of who I am.  Even if you’re not a Christian, I hope you continue to read, if only to see where I’m coming from and see how my faith guides me in life.  If you ever have questions about what it is or how it works, just ask me.  To me, the only stupid question is the one you never ask.

Recently, partly due to my job woes, I’ve been trying to get closer to God, figuring out what His purpose for me is, rather than trying to figure out what He wants me to do.  (There’s a subtle difference there-did you catch it?  Instead of asking God, “What do you want ME to do?” I’ve been trying to ask, “How can I best be of service to YOU?”) Ever since the incident where He answered me directly (see previous entries) I’ve been trying to do my best to keep Him closer to the forefront of my mind, so I can include him in more of my day-to-day stuff.  How do I do that?  Well, it sure isn’t easy, let me tell ya!  It shocked me to realize just how closely God pays attention.  Yet I found myself asking, “Why wouldn’t He pay attention?  Why wouldn’t He know exactly what I was thinking when I was eating breakfast last week Monday, or when putting on my makeup, or picking my nose?”  (Yes, He saw that too, gah…) In other words, why was I so shocked? 

Because in my self-serving attitude, my arrogance, apathy, and small-mindedness, I quite simply forgot. 

I often don’t think about or care what other people say or do, so for some reason I tend to think God doesn’t, either. 

WRONG.

He only cares too much.  About everything, and everyone…and why?  Because it’s all about Him.

That’s the biggest A-HA moment I had. 

I’m sure you’ve all heard the phrase, “It’s all about me.”  Guess what I learned? That’s about the biggest lie out there.  It’s not all about me.  It’s all about God.  Life is God, love is God. Everything good in me comes from God, and that’s why God should be in all I do.  The thing is, sin-the very thing that is evil within us, is doing everything possible to drag our focus away from God and put it anywhere else, namely, ourselves.

Sounds freaky? Yeah, it took me a while to understand it too, and I’ve been a Christian all my life.  Once you get it, it’s not so hard to know.  The challenge comes in the execution.

Now, I’m not saying you shouldn’t focus on yourself at all.  If you need any sort of therapy to understand why you do what you do, that’s fine.  I see nothing wrong with that at all.  The problem is so many self-help books are flawed in that they focus only on you.  You can explore the deepest parts of yourself, but be careful-you can easily get lost.  With God, you have a torch leading the way, one that burns brightly for your whole life.  So long as you hold it in front, that is before you, you will be able to see where you’re going much more clearly.

It’s not about suddenly becoming some super Christian, because Lord knows, I’m not.  God uses us by the very skills He gave us.  If you’re not a pastor or teacher or missionary material, that’s all right!  God knows that!  I’ve written before that my father never went to college, but he’s the wisest man I know.  He works in a little office, and yet he manages to bring up his faith in a quiet, subtle way.  It’s a gentle nudge here and there.  God has a purpose specifically designed for my father, and it’s the same for everyone.  We just have to put aside our selfish desires and pay attention.  I think we tend to do better when we decide to pay attention to the gentle nudges.  They’re a lot better than painful shoves, although at times we need those, too.

What I’ve learned the most is just how much my own selfishness has caused me to isolate myself from almost everyone.  First of all, I’m ashamed about my current living situation.  I shouldn’t be, but I am.  That’s a constant struggle I have.  How could I tell people that I still live with my parents at 36 years of age?  Who would want to get to know me, or date me?  How could anyone not see a lazy, good-for-nothing person?  People will and do judge, whether they intend to or not.  It’s just how we’re wired, part of our sinful nature, and it’s a sad thing.  It’s also so very wrong, and we are the harshest judges when it comes to ourselves.  Of course, we deny stuff too, and lie.  God helps me by giving me a cleaner reflection than I could ever invent.  As for my living situation, it is what it is.  I’m trying to change it, and I know when the time is right, it will happen.

Another thing that’s really selfish of me is being afraid of trying and failing, or even trying and succeeding.  That probably sounds pretty weird, so let me elaborate.  I’ve written about it before, that my greatest two fears are success and failure-hence I’m stuck. 

It’s selfish to live in a way that’s too safe.  To fail is more familiar, and is almost a comfort, really.  If I suddenly succeed with my poetry, or art, or writing, what then?  Ah, the unknown, and the responsibility that comes with it-that truly terrifies me.  Isn’t that strange?  Maybe it is, and maybe not-so many go through their entire lives and only after the kids are grown, or after they enter retirement do they actually gather the courage to do what they’ve wanted to do all along.  Then they slap their foreheads and collectively wonder, “What the heck took me so long??”

But I thought it wasn’t all about me?  Here’s the thing: if God wired you to enjoy photography-go forth into the world and take pictures, for crying out loud!  If God wired you to enjoy cooking, go ahead and shake ‘n bake!  Just take Him with you, that’s all He asks!  That’s not so hard, is it?  (Okay, it is, kinda, if you’re not used to it.  As with any habit, it gets better the more you do it.) Anyway, that’s what I meant by trying to include Him.  It sounds a little strange and often my immediate reaction is the exact opposite, but that’s the whole point.  God loves all of me and wants all of me, not some half-assed attempt.  I question Him, complain to Him and even yell at Him at times.  (Trust me, He can take it.)  If I want to do a little good in the world, then God has to come with me and be first.  When I draw cartoons or make funny captions, if I do so with Him in mind, then I’m really serving Him and thus, His purpose.  It’s true for you, too. 

So here’s another shocking thing I should have known, but had to relearn: don’t look for your own truth.  That’s another common misconception, because really the truth only has one version.  Either something is true or it's not.  2+2 can never equal 5, no matter how much you want it to.  God is truth.  The truth isn’t always pretty, but it doesn’t have to be.  It simply IS.

It’s not all about me.

But, guess what?  God can say, “It’s all about Me…because what I did was all for you.” 

That’s a beautiful truth, if you ask me.