Cycling and Recycling-Thoughts For the End of the Year

So, I haven’t updated my blogs or anything in a while.  I wish I knew what stopped me until now.  I must admit I am a procrastinator by nature.  I put things off until I have to do them.  I know when I write these posts I dig in deep and ponder…and wander…and ponder some more.  I believe my thought pattern went something along the lines of ‘It’s not the right time.’  Or whatever that means. 

However, writing is different.  This year I learned just how much I love it. I’m one of those who live almost entirely within their heads.  It’s almost as though I’m a tiny person living inside this overgrown machine that has joints that are starting to creak, hair that rusts, and has lost a few pieces but otherwise still functions well enough.  When things happen to me, or more accurately, when I react to them, it always takes me an extra second to process it.  That’s because as a writer/poet/artist, what happens to me always happens twice, and occasionally, depending on the nature of the event, even three or four times.   The reason for this is because everything that happens to me also happens to the people inside me; that is, the characters in my head with which I share very cramped quarters with, whose voices will often drown out my own.  I see and feel what ‘they’ see and feel, whoever they are.

It’s been another crazy year.  I went from working three part-time jobs to one full-time, then added a second part-time back in.  At the moment I work sixty-plus hours a week.  It’s not easy but I’m used to it.  I know it’s a miracle this machine called my body hasn’t broken down more often.  I can only thank God for that and ask for His continued blessing as I try to find one job that will work better for me.  Right now, it’s not so bad. My second job is one I’m familiar with and it is a much more relaxed environment, even though it’s security.  Security is where I draw and write the most.  My first job may be retail but it’s still the nicest store I’ve ever worked in.  Earlier in the year we changed managers again and the new guy is great.  I feel sorry for him though, because he has three little boys and likes to be very active in their lives –i.e. sports.  He probably won’t last long.  It’s a thankless position.  To be a manager in that job, you practically have to live there.  Otherwise, I might have gone after it myself.  Seeing as how I really have no life anyway, I’d rather not, even if it means better pay.  I’ve been slowly but surely working through my finances.  Two great things include my being able to pay rent again.  That may sound strange but I feel quite guilty when I can’t pay rent to my dad.  One credit card is gone for good-HALLELUJAH! Now I just have to work my way through the others.  The day I have none is the day I rejoice.  My goal is to someday never have to rely on them ever again.  They are poison, pure and simple.

Next year will have me working extra hard to settle on one good job that gives me time to work on my dream job-write and draw comics.  This year I had an epiphany.  It wasn’t a sudden verbalization or a new idea, or anything like that.  I just got mad…sort of.  It wasn’t the sort of anger where I berate myself for my own shortcomings.  I used to do that a lot and it never did me any good.  No, I just got tired of waiting and decided to just go and do my absolute best work, my best effort and see what happens.  Well!  It turns out that when I give myself a bit more patience, I will crank out something pretty decent, as my Miss Impossible piece showed me.  I also banged out two short stories in less than two weeks.  Fan fiction, but I loved it.  In fact, I loved it so much I lost sleep over finishing them!  My writing forced me to admit I have a very dark side.  I like horror, suspense and creepy stuff, but rarely verbalize it. I don’t read a lot of horror, although I have read my share of Stephen King and Laurell K. Hamilton.  As a Christian, it’s tough to admit that you enjoy that stuff, but sometimes you have to show the power of evil, if only to show how powerful good is when it is victorious.  I like reading about the suffering of the protagonists and how even after the world gets thrown at them, somehow they find the strength to win.  Both my art and writing are still not where I want them to be skill-wise, but I’m much better than I originally gave myself credit for.  I’m going to use the resources I have and if all goes well, A Stray will see the light of day next year.  I think Miss Heather Wittenborn has waited for me long enough.

I will also see if I can’t do something with my poetry.  I might have enough for a book.  Poetry does not come easy for me.  I may only do a tiny handful of pieces in a year, although with my new attitude on my art and writing, maybe it will come to me faster.  I guess I’ll have to find out.

I’m also returning to acting.  The more I see shows and movies, the more I think to myself, “That looks like so much fun!”  Hard work, of course, but fun, and I will work tooth and nail to reprise my role as Sister Hubert in Nunsense, come March 2014.  I’ve been in and out of theater since I was six years old, and ever since I stopped around 2011, I have missed it terribly.  I’m a natural-born storyteller, and acting is just an extension of that.

In other news, my niece turned five and is quite wise beyond her years.  I can’t believe she will be in kindergarten soon.  Wasn’t she just a widdle peanut yesterday?  What happened??  The other day she found out she’s going to be a big sister and is super excited.  She’s already quite a leader when it comes to others, and she’s a natural performer, too.  We’ll see how she takes it when the ‘spotlight’ isn’t going to be on her as much with a new baby in the house.  He or she will be due next July, which is funny because both of my parents have their birthdays at that time. 

More changes on the wind include my grandparents.  One is in her 90’s and it’s quickly becoming apparent that she will no longer be able to live independently.  I’m grateful that she’s held it together for as long as she has.  Two of her sisters have Alzheimer’s, and it is so hard on everyone.  She doesn’t have it but it’s clear her mind isn’t where it once was.   As for my other grandparents, they were planning on coming down this Christmas as usual (they live farther up north) but my other grandma fell again and twisted her ankle, so they are staying home.  The thing is, ‘home’ is what caused her to fall.  They have a lot of steps, and it’s clear that it’s becoming increasingly difficult to move about.

On a last, sadder note, my dear friend in Denmark lost her father right before Christmas.  Everything in me wants to fly there just so I can give her a hug in person.  And so on it goes-life and aging and death.  I’ve lost family members this year, too, and will soon greet an addition.  Traditions change, although the spirit of them remains.  Just remember to hold your loved ones a little tighter this holiday, because you really never know when the day will come when you want to but can’t.

To all of my friends and family, near and far, both here and across the pond, Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year.  I may neither see you nor speak to you as often as I’d like, but please know I think about you constantly.  I love you all.

Jax

The Hole of Night

Inspired by Alan Wake and Haunted by Poe

The Hole of Night

Dancing in autumn leaves of gold

Burnt sienna, scarlet, umber

Souls awaken, dark and cold

From their fitful, restless slumber.

Taking shape and stalking me

Seducing with their scorching fears

Darkness came and carried me

I drown in all her reddened tears.

Lost within this braided wood

I trace my steps on the narrow path

It watches; I and my riding hood

I race to evade its shadowed wrath.

And all shadows leave a stain

My memories have left their mark

Scarring deep within my veins

Carving into deadened bark.

The crows encircle where I lay

The earth is cold, yet I feel numb

They sing their songs in shades of gray

Rusty groans of what’s to come.

Sacred words on pages found

A lamp to guide me on my way

Shades will rise up from the ground

To try and steal my soul away.

She pines for me, her oozing sap

A sticky wine upon my lips

Just a taste will spring the trap

And evil comes with every sip.

This forest gives her poisoned fruit

A tempting taste so bittersweet

I strike this bounty at the root

And leave no tricks with which to treat.

Though I, hollow-eyed and haunted

Grow dizzy in my circled prayers

I cry out, my dreams, undaunted

Every hope, a signal flare.

And those hopes, those echoes churn

The voices that once wished me well

They circle back and thus, return

To weave around a sacred spell.

And so I rise, and thus advance

And if it takes the whole of night

I dare to finish this tribal dance

Until I see dawn’s waking light.

Hit the Ground Running...Just Don't Trip!

Or if you do, learn to roll with the momentum, anyway.

Well, it’s been a while since I’ve updated.  I’ve gone through a lot of changes that came all at once.  Before Christmas, I’d finally been assigned to a new guard position, full-time, all nights.  Working nights was something I’d done on and off for years, so it wasn’t something I was worried about.  I was always able to fill up the empty hours with my drawings, poems, musings and movies.   I’d also read and watch movies, sometimes catching up on series I’d missed over the years.  I was happy about that.  I decided to drop the Kraft job, since it was early (for me) to get up, and since it had gone from 15 hours a week to only 8, I saw no need to waste gas.  Besides, I’m a new-ish vegetarian, and I wanted to stay away from processed foods as much as possible.  (Although I’m still working on that, sadly enough.)

I thought I’d found a place where I could sort of hole up and recuperate.  I’d planned on using the place to my advantage as much as I could without compromising my actual job.  I was doing just that, even incorporating exercising there.  I’d bring both my hand weights and Bob Harper over.  (I don’t know that he would cotton to me working out in a factory, though…)I’ll get into my health lifestyle change another time.

Anyway, I was writing and drawing a ton more than I ever had been, although I was still easing my way back into drawing for a correspondence course I’d started the year before but had to drop due to sheer intimidation and busy-ness.  Some of you may know that there are colleges out there that actually teach comic book and graphic novel art courses.  Cartooning and comic books have fascinated me for as long I can remember.  Actually, it was animation that first caught my eye.  I remember seeing it explained using an old-fashioned device, and that just opened my eyes to a new world.  After I learned the work involved, I decided drawing comic books was better than drawing cel animation by hand, although every so often I wondered what would have happened had I gone that route.  Oh well.

So it was with great surprise that in spite of all of this, I found myself to be quite unhappy.  I was restless, irritable, bored, frustrated and just plain miserable.  In the empty factory I observed myself slowly going mad, cursing loudly just to vent.  I don’t normally curse at all, mind you, and I’m ashamed that I did, but it was either that or bash my head against a wall.  I couldn’t figure it out.  I mean, was this the perfect job?  Heck, no.  But I’d done this sort of thing for years…why in the world was it bothering me so much now?  Just last summer I was able to sit in a car for 12 hours in the dead of night in the middle of nowhere.  No problem…well, except for lack of a bathroom.  Fortunately, there was a gas station nearby.

Yet, there it was.  I couldn’t stand it.  The isolation never bothered me much before, but it sure was now.  What to do?  I come from a background of “Suck it up and deal with it.”  Most of the time, that’s exactly what we should and must do, but here I was, so very troubled.  And GUILT!  Oh, did I ever feel it!  Here I had prayed and prayed for a full-time job, and had thought I had been given that very thing!  Was I just being a brat and throwing a tantrum?  How dare I squander what I was given!

Or so I thought.  I cannot tell you how glad I am to be so very wrong.

So it was in the middle of my misery, that I began praying about my job at Family Christian Store.  Because I was working nights, my availability had all but vanished.  I hadn’t quit because I genuinely liked it there, but I was starting to have serious doubts.  I wasn’t earning much, far less than at Kraft, so should I drop that, too?  That’s what I wanted to know.

Less than two weeks later, I had my answer.  My manager, an interesting go-getter dude, asked me whether or not I wanted to take the place of our SSA, who had just quit.  I said yes before I realized what I was getting myself into.  After I thought about it, I went for it anyway.

For some reason, working at FCS was a really good fit for me.  I’d gotten the job after waking to “Born Again” by Newsboys.  For some reason I just had to have that album.  I hadn’t visited the store in years.  I recognized it as one of those nudges I get every so often.  I didn’t question it, or even think about it much.  I just went.  While I was there at the store, I noticed that they were hiring, so I asked for an application.  Less than two months later, I was a keyholder, meaning I was reliable enough to open or close the store.  The previous manager, a wonderful lady named Julie, seemed to have faith I would succeed.

An SSA or SFL, is sort of, but not quite, an Assistant Manager.  It stands for Senior Sales Associate, or Sales Floor Lead.  It means I’ll be in charge of the associates under me, being a liaison that they can rely on to communicate to the manager and the manager can communicate through me.  Since I’ve always been a teacher and counselor sort, that’s something I know I can do well: listen, convey, and respond.  I’ll also have to be responsible for making sure I lead by example as far as sales metrics are concerned.

Sales metrics, for those who don’t know, are how well we sell in the store.  There are certain things we have to focus on, like the free membership, the current sale going on at the moment (Bibles!) and the impulse stuff we have at the counter.  After all, we are a retail business, and the goal is to sell.  The difference is what we sell and that the proceeds now go to charity.

You might wonder what we have besides Bibles, and how do we, of all different faiths, get along?  As far as merchandise, the store (which is a national chain) used to be mostly a bookstore with music.  It eventually evolved into what it is now, a store with books, music, gifts, church supplies, apparel, and now even its own tablet (Kobo Arc! Reputed to be even better than the iPad!) What other books do we have?  Devotionals, tons of fiction, books specifically for men, women and teens, politics, theology, commentaries, dictionaries,  biographies, and even prophecies…but I won’t go into that.  That might weird you out a bit…it does me.

As far as working with people of different faiths, it really hasn’t been an issue.  For example, I work with a 7th Day Adventist, and other than not seeing him on Saturdays, he one of the best people I’ve ever had the pleasure of working with.  I see a person with strong character and a great sense of humor.  We all work to achieve the same goals, and truth be told, FCS is really a safe haven for some of us.  Sure, differences exist as they always will, but I know for a fact that I will see people with a faith a bit different than my own in heaven.  What concerns Christ more than the rules that divide us is His love that unites us.  That is our focus, and using what we have to help others, be it a Bible for a new or struggling Christian, a gift for a baptism, a book for someone who is grieving and doesn’t know how to move on, or just a thoughtful card.  We work to promote God’s love and glory, not our own petty differences.  Is it perfect?  Heck, no.  But that doesn’t stop us from trying.

In any case, it’s still a retail store with the usual retail issues like being shorthanded, having too much merchandise piled up in the back, and the occasional strange customer.  For the most part, it’s very busy but mostly pleasant.  The holidays are chaotic, but it’s nowhere near as bad as other retail stores I’ve worked at.  Most people, both guests and workers strive to be more patient, tolerant, and kind.  After all, that’s the right way to be.

This is the world I’ve chosen for now, and at least for now, I’m happy. :)

And Now...For Other Stuff.
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In other news, I have to say it’s mighty weird for me to look at a photo of a woman I’ve never met, and be struck by how much I look like her.  Say what?  Let me explain:  my mother’s adopted.  She was born in the Racine area.  We found her birth family, both sides, 4 years ago.  While we were unable to meet either of her birth parents, the extended family has been nothing short of fantastic.  Just a short while ago, I was asked to sing for two funerals of two relatives who passed away a week apart.  One was my Great-Aunt Ruth, plagued by Alzheimer’s and the other was my Great –Uncle Karl by a series of strokes, so really, it was a blessing and it was their time to go Home.

Not long ago, I and my parents decided to pay part of the family a visit.  We visited my Great-Uncle Karl and Great-Aunt Doris.  Mom suggested I sing.  Normally I balk at being asked to sing by my parents.  Nothing against them, but I have this stupid knee-jerk reaction of feeling like a trained seal, put on display and expected to perform.  Maybe that’s just the residue of teenage rebellion, I don’t know.  In any case, I didn’t feel it this time, and I knew why.

Great Uncle-Karl, who would soon die after a series of debilitating strokes, was gruff on the surface but wore his heart on his sleeve.  At the discovery of my mom, who after the death of her birth mother had become the glue to reunite the clan in a way, Karl was prone to tears every time he saw us, her in particular.  He claimed that he had been a witness to her baptism way back in 1954 just prior to her going to the adoption center, which is now called Wisconsin Lutheran Child and Family Services.

I’d met Great-Uncle Karl previously, and although he couldn’t speak well anymore, for some reason I had an instant connection with him.  I have a soft spot for gruff guys with hearts made of marshmallows.  His German accent reminded me of my own late grandfather I’d lost when I was 9.  He and his wife Doris were really a comedy duo.  Karl was quieter but sharp.  Doris is a lovable chatterbox.  She grew up with 5 sisters…which is likely why my mom is such a one herself!  My mom and Great-Aunt Doris are those talkative sorts who will talk for an extra half hour after they decided to leave.

At one point my parents told me they heard Karl say, “Doris!  Stop talking!”

To which she replied, “I can’t!  I can’t!”

So, although I’d whispered to Karl, “I’m going to sing for you today,”  it was ages before I began because of all the chattering.  My father and Karl looked at each other and just threw up their hands in mock defeat.  There was nothing else we could do but wait.  Eventually, I did sing, as best I could on short notice, so I mostly sang hymns and funny songs I’d memorized long ago.  I had no idea it would be the last time I’d see my Great-Uncle alive.  However, I knew, as everyone did, that he didn’t have much time left.  So I did ask God to make sure I did well.  I also asked Him to do the same at Karl’s funeral, where I actually sang in German as well as English.

Karl’s funeral included full military honors, for he had served in Korea.  His was a full life well-lived, and I am glad I got to meet him, however brief.  I didn’t know Great-Aunt Ruth well, but as I said, the family has been wonderful and very generous to us.  I hope the next time we get to meet will be for much happier reasons…because we just never know when it could be our time to go Home.

New Year Thoughts

Greetings and Happy New Year, Planet Earth!

So is it, as Aughra said in The Dark Crystal, the end or the beginning? 

 “End, begin…all the same,” she said.  “Big change; sometimes good, sometimes bad.”  

 I’m quite fond of that film.  From studying the DVD, I learned that Jim Henson and his company built the world before building the story.   Likewise, C.S. Lewis had the character Mr. Tumnus in his head since he was a teenager, but he didn’t write The Chronicles of Narnia until he was in his 50’s.  

Perhaps creating-writing, drawing, painting, maybe even dancing is often like that; starting in pieces, I mean.  You could call it putting together a puzzle, but I liken it to archeology, which some of you might have heard me mention before.  You have a sense of something there that’s very big, but you only start with a fragment.  You have to brush the dust off the rest and then assemble what you have until it makes sense.  Sometimes you find two or three different things buried in the dirt, but until you polish it and figure out what goes where, you only find a mess.

The bulk of my life was spent on puzzling out where I fit-that is, what should my life be all about?  I know I’m not the only one.  Many people seem to have this sort of sense of being lost.  I know I’ve also written about that before.  Well, I think I have at least part of it figured out now.

2012 was quite a whirlwind for me.  When I wrote that it might be a jalapeño of a year-that is, if variety is the spice of life, then it must be a pretty spicy year, I had no idea how accurate I was going to be.  If I had to sum up the year in one word, it would be this one: Discipline.  I’ll elaborate more on that later.

A few years ago, I read a book on personality types, and it broke down what ideal jobs might be and so on.  I really wish I could remember the book title, but I’d had to sell it at one point.  (Suffice to say Oprah had touted it.)  I had already known I was a creative person-no surprise there-but I’d always thought I was an advisor type.  While that was close, I found out I was wrong.  I am actually a teacher by nature.  When I discovered that, it made so much sense.  Perhaps those of you who know me are shaking your heads and muttering, “Well, DUH!” to yourselves.  I can honestly say it was a revelation for me.  I had a real paradigm shift.  Here’s the difference between a teacher and advisor: I don’t so much like telling people what to do, but I love, I revel in seeing people ‘get it.’  When their eyes light up in realization, when they understand, and learn from their mistakes and thus correct themselves-I love that!  Of course, that applies to me as well.

Obviously, I’m not the type of teacher that stands in a classroom, but truth be told, sometimes the best teachers are the ones you find in life, and I think this-teaching people to ‘get it,’  whatever ‘it’ is, might be what I really want to do with my life.  I think I must do this, and find a way to do it creatively.  I want to help others along the journey of life, and thus have them help others, too.

Why on earth did it take me so long to figure out something I’d already kind of wanted when I was a teenager?  (My original job choice was to be a counselor to help people through their problems.  My thinking had been in the right direction, at least.)  It turns out that the depression, the apathy, and my own selfish nature had been suppressing what I knew was there but couldn’t articulate.  You can’t help others if you’re only thinking of what’s in it for you.  Also, as I’d written before, I’d grown up in a world where “No” was so common, I’d forgotten “Yes” was a true and valid answer.

To be a teacher is to also be a leader of sorts, and before now, I’d never thought of myself as one.  In fact, the mere thought of being in charge of anything absolutely terrified me.  I’d lost work for that very reason.    Before, I didn’t accept it or take it seriously as I should have.  I’d groomed myself for failure-self-sabotage, perfectionism, etc.  I was genuinely afraid of people relying on me, so much so that I’d subconsciously become unreliable so I wouldn’t fail later.  That’s messed up thinking but it took me years to figure out I was doing that.  

Even so, after I realized what I was doing, I didn’t know how to stop myself…because surely I couldn’t be in charge…could I?  It’s amazing what you can learn when you force yourself to learn it.  As the year came to a close I got a full-time position as a senior guard for a new contract in a town called Jefferson.  Senior Guard basically means I’m in charge of all of the paperwork; I talk to the contact at the job site about any issues, etc.  I knew what the position meant and made myself take it seriously.  Guess what?  It’s made me a better person.  Nothing else has changed: the pay is still crappy, the hours are still long and mostly empty, and I’d missed the sign-up date for full benefits by mere days.  I’ll have to wait until much later this coming New Year.  And yet, I’m a better person, because I’m forcing myself to change my thinking.

So, Discipline is going to be my word for quite a while, especially now that I know what I need to do.  Perhaps this year, and maybe all these years of false starts and me almost getting it but not quite, was all about discipline-the forge.  Discipline hurts but it is so absolutely vital.  I wouldn’t be who I am if God hadn’t disciplined me.  Discipline isn’t punishment necessarily, but correction, or really redirection.  The old saying goes that when the student is ready, the teacher will appear.  I hope I am ready now.  If not, please throw me back into the forge and beat me until I am.

 
Happy New Year.

Running Out of Nose-A Holiday Rant

They say that to succeed in life, you must put your nose to the grindstone…but what happens when you run out of nose?  I’m thinking about that today because I’m tired.   I can feel the holiday rush roaring in like an oncoming freight train.  This freight is loaded with the usual impossible expectations and rabble of “Buy Me!”  “Buy this!”  “Buy that!”  “Your Must-Haves!”  “My Favorite Things!”  (Sorry, Oprah…it’s nothing personal.)

I’m so tired of the media blather.  I feel like the social media is doing nothing but vomiting useless junk all over me, and it’s always worse this time of year.  I’m tired of seeing commercials that seem to be as long as or longer than the segments of whatever program I’m trying to watch.  I’m tired of being told you have to present yourself as a product or a brand.  Me, be the next big thing?  Sure, I see the logic, but then again, I am not some kitschy little trinket!  I’m not just a vessel to be bought or sold.  What is prostitution then, if it isn’t selling yourself?  If you are whoring yourself, sex doesn’t have to be a factor at all.

Individualism.  Independence.  I used to think these were priceless…but now, I don’t know… 

Everything screams, “Me! Me! Me!”  What about “Us! Us! Us!”?  What is wrong with depending on each other?  What’s wrong with wanting, even needing someone to lean on?  Are we really so afraid to be soft, to be vulnerable?  Vulnerability doesn’t necessarily mean weakness.  It just means someone can reach you deep inside, and that doesn’t have to be bad.  There’s nothing wrong with wearing armor if you know you’re going into battle.  But I don’t want to battle all day, every day.  I’m sure some do, and some even revel in it.  Not me.  Sometimes true strength is people unafraid to show that they are afraid.  

I don’t feel there’s anything wrong with expressing yourself, but the problem I see is that lately, everyone is expressing themselves all at the same time.  You may have noticed it too, especially on the Internet with blogs and vlogs and tweets and Facebook updates every ten minutes.  In fact, there’s a push, an expectation to know and express yourself, loud and proud.  

I see a few problems with that.  First of all, when everyone is so busy expressing, who’s left to listen?  No one!  And second, do we really need to know every last detail of what makes us tick?  I studied psychology, so I do enjoy crawling around inside of people’s heads, and I like reading novels that are written in first person.  However, crawl inside yourself for too long, and you might just lose yourself…in your self.  Now, if you need to figure out why you do what you do in order to change and stop doing what you’ve done (I’ll wait while you try to wrap around that) that’s great.  I’ve said it before-there’s nothing wrong with self-improvement if you genuinely need help.  It’s terrific if what you find ends up helping others.  Still, focusing so much on your self can mean losing sight of the bigger and often more important picture.  If you are there alone, with no one to share your discoveries, what’s the point, really?

It seems to me that many people have really lost the strength and support of a very powerful word-Community.  I’m finding bits and pieces of it at two of the three places I currently work.  (The third place, as a guard, I usually work alone. Oh, there are times we work as teams, but most contracts ask for one guard at one location.)

At Kraft, where my job title is Sensory Panelist (a fancy term for professional taste tester) I work in an unbiased, group format.  We work together to present our findings of freshness and aroma/flavor intensity.  (Trust me; it’s not as glamorous as it sounds. I’ll save that story for another day.)

Now, at Family Christian Store, where I work as a retail Sales Partner, I see the concept of Community the strongest.  Despite the different denominations that come in and out of the store, the message of Community rings clear.  I think that really, the only reason is because the concept of Christian community, or Fellowship, as we call it, goes all the way back to Scripture.  Jesus Christ said, “Where two or three are gathered in My Name, there I am with them.”  Christians were and are encouraged to not only worship together, but to help each other when troubles come, as they always must in this world.

 

Some of this stuff coming next might sound a little ‘out there’ to you, so let me first explain that I’m a WELS Lutheran (Wisconsin Evangelical Lutheran Synod.)  Part of what that means is that I believe Scriptures are real, and the Bible is the true Word of God.  That means Adam and Eve were real people, that there was a worldwide flood, etc.

If independence was such a grand thing, then I don’t think God would have said, “It’s not good for man to be alone.” Those words were spoken all the way back at the beginning.  That doesn’t mean Adam wasn’t fully capable, and it doesn’t mean Eve was somehow a lesser person.  They were both perfect, but they were even better when united.  Of course, they also managed to screw up as a unit, but only because they chose to be independent from God.  Eve wanted to be like God, so pride was her downfall.  As for Adam…for some reason I keep having this romantic notion that he didn’t want to be separated from her, so he joined in…and only then did he fully know the depth of what they had done.  Maybe that’s why he tried to blame God and said “This woman you put with me here…”  Maybe it didn’t happen that way, but then I also think the forbidden fruit was a lemon or a grapefruit instead of the ever-popular apple…who thought that up, anyway?

As you might imagine, the concept of independence removed is very tough to picture, especially for me as an American.  We fought and died for this independence and we’ve prided ourselves on it.  But we’re not really free, are we?  We’re slaves to debt, and that includes the National Debt, so we’re slaves to our jobs, whether we love or hate them.  We’re slaves of spin doctors and pundits and anyone in the media telling us what to think.  We’re slave to our government as it seems to swell and free enterprise seems to shrink.  With all of that, independent thought is really a lie, an illusion.  Now, why do we look to others, to social networking, to magazines?  What are we trying so hard to fill with things…only things will never fill it?

I believe the answer is Community…and not just with each other, but with God as well.  Here’s the funny thing: God has no expectations.  What a weird thought!  I rejected that idea too, at first, but then I thought about it.  Why would God expect us to perform?  We’re not trained pets!  God did all the work.  God even became human to save us, and at the same time, help us relate to Him better.  That redemption means He chose mercy rather than justice when it comes to us.  He doesn’t just want the best parts of us, He wants all of us.  He’s not mad, either…He just misses us.  I think we all miss Him too.  Many just don’t realize what that void is inside of us that cries out for attention.   We all know it’s there.  We all know it shouldn’t be, that there’s a wrongness about it.  We’ve seen what happens when that void becomes overwhelming and people do what they can to fill it up. They smoke, abuse alcohol or drugs, use sex, or shop too much.  They overeat or starve themselves, all in a valiant but vain effort to be happy and satisfied.  But we all know that stuff is meaningless.

Does He get frustrated?  Of course, but what loving parent wouldn’t? If you knew your child stole or lied or hurt someone, would you be proud of him?  Doing the right thing and following God’s rules is supposed to be our expression of love for God.  It’s not about “Do this or else!”  That’s not how it works.  Even Christians forget that sometimes.  I know I have.  It’s not about doing our best, because that’s the same thing as being good enough, and we know already that we’re never going to be good enough, because outside of God, perfection is impossible.  That’s okay, because God loves us anyway, and is happy when we express our love for Him.

Does this mean that we ought to be slaves, to be doormats for everybody, that we shouldn’t stand on our own?  That’s not the same thing at all.  People who are doormats tend allow those who need to control abuse them.  They need help, so they can help others.  And I’m not talking about submission, either.   To be submissive doesn’t have to mean you’re weak or your opinion isn’t valid.  This might be an easier concept for women to grasp because we like feeling secure and safe.  Women are more naturally inclined to be inter-dependent and have a small community of friends or family around them.  (After all, ever see a group of guys suddenly vanish to go to the restroom?)

The old saying goes, “It takes a village to raise a child.”  Nowadays the village is being substituted by TV, Facebook, YouTube and Angry Birds.  Nothing wrong with these things and I’m not mad at them for existing.  Yet I believe that if we don’t start resurrecting the purpose and the power of Community-and by that I mean a group of people, face-to-face, then we all may end up having all kinds of neat things, but no one to share them with.  We may become like Narnia’s Mr. Tumnus, who was carrying packages in the dead of winter…with no one to give them to. 

Start by saying hi to your neighbor.  Join a group-away from the computer.  Share with them your stories, your gifts, your self. 

As it says in Scripture, “A cord of three strands is not easily broken.” 

It's All About Me...NOT.

It’s All About Me…Not.

Well…I’ve had quite a rollercoaster of a month and a half or so.  As the season is finally starting to change again, it reminds me that, outside of God, very few things in this world remain the same for long.  Yet things stay the same, even as they are in a constant state of transition.  People grow older, like my 3-yr old niece, who is starting preschool already, people grow frail, like my great aunt, whose Alzheimer’s is steadily worsening, and people die, like my cousin, who finally lost her battle with a rare cancer, just days before her 36^th birthday.  It’s sad, but the beat goes on, as the song says, and big changes often comes in three’s, or at least they do for me.

Speaking of birthdays, I recently turned 36 myself.    It was probably one of the most uneventful birthdays I’ve ever had.  I had to work overnight, which is a blessing to me because my hours at all three jobs were chopped.  It really sucks to know you are so old and yet are unable to live independently.  Tonight I’m at the same place, an apartment complex called The Statesider.  It houses UW students-mostly freshmen.  It's interesting, and everyone usually behaves themselves, or at least they do so far.

Still, I’m finding I’m learning a lot, and always from various sources.  Being so very poor has forced me to really rely on God and to take a harsh look at how I spend my money.  It’s made me realize that I am way too self-indulgent and not careful enough, even though I don’t make extravagant purchases.  My triggers are a bunch of little things that eventually add up to big debt.  I can’t do math in my head, but I insist on giving a “guesstimate” and hope it’s close enough to what I think it is.  That’s just plain dumb and irresponsible. Somehow, I must put a stop to that immediately.   

Actually, I hope to one day never have to rely on credit cards ever again.  I’ve studied up on the plan conjured up by Dave Ramsey, radio host and financial guru.  His plan to get out of debt is hard but solid.  It requires sacrifice and constant vigilance, relying on cash only, or a debit card.  I started on it when I was working full-time, but ever since my schedule changed, I’ve fallen off the wagon.  Look him up some time and judge for yourself.  Don’t let the fact that he’s a Christian scare you.  You’d be surprised just how often the subjects of money, debt and prosperity show up in the Bible.  It’s not just about the love of money is the root of all evil, etc., etc.  You’d be amazed at the amount of wisdom there is just on the subject of money and debt.  Proverbs 22:7 says, “The rich rule over the poor, and the borrower is slave to the lender.”  (Modern translations say servant rather than slave, but slave is really a better word for it.) I am a slave to my debt, especially my credit card debt.  If I didn’t have that, I’d have a lot less to worry about.  The thing is, that credit card debt is there only because I put it there.  It’s entirely my fault, and it’s up to me to pay it off.

What really gets to me is how easily I and many people have been duped into thinking debt is a good thing.  How foolish!  Didn’t The Great Depression teach us anything?  Sure, my generation wasn’t there to witness it, but so what?  Why do we always have to have the wolves on our heels to realize just how much danger we’re really in?  That goes for so many other things, too.

That’s one lesson I’ve been relearning.  What else? 

My faith.  That’s a big one.  I’m going to talk about my Christianity now, because that’s perhaps the biggest part of who I am.  Even if you’re not a Christian, I hope you continue to read, if only to see where I’m coming from and see how my faith guides me in life.  If you ever have questions about what it is or how it works, just ask me.  To me, the only stupid question is the one you never ask.

Recently, partly due to my job woes, I’ve been trying to get closer to God, figuring out what His purpose for me is, rather than trying to figure out what He wants me to do.  (There’s a subtle difference there-did you catch it?  Instead of asking God, “What do you want ME to do?” I’ve been trying to ask, “How can I best be of service to YOU?”) Ever since the incident where He answered me directly (see previous entries) I’ve been trying to do my best to keep Him closer to the forefront of my mind, so I can include him in more of my day-to-day stuff.  How do I do that?  Well, it sure isn’t easy, let me tell ya!  It shocked me to realize just how closely God pays attention.  Yet I found myself asking, “Why wouldn’t He pay attention?  Why wouldn’t He know exactly what I was thinking when I was eating breakfast last week Monday, or when putting on my makeup, or picking my nose?”  (Yes, He saw that too, gah…) In other words, why was I so shocked? 

Because in my self-serving attitude, my arrogance, apathy, and small-mindedness, I quite simply forgot. 

I often don’t think about or care what other people say or do, so for some reason I tend to think God doesn’t, either. 

WRONG.

He only cares too much.  About everything, and everyone…and why?  Because it’s all about Him.

That’s the biggest A-HA moment I had. 

I’m sure you’ve all heard the phrase, “It’s all about me.”  Guess what I learned? That’s about the biggest lie out there.  It’s not all about me.  It’s all about God.  Life is God, love is God. Everything good in me comes from God, and that’s why God should be in all I do.  The thing is, sin-the very thing that is evil within us, is doing everything possible to drag our focus away from God and put it anywhere else, namely, ourselves.

Sounds freaky? Yeah, it took me a while to understand it too, and I’ve been a Christian all my life.  Once you get it, it’s not so hard to know.  The challenge comes in the execution.

Now, I’m not saying you shouldn’t focus on yourself at all.  If you need any sort of therapy to understand why you do what you do, that’s fine.  I see nothing wrong with that at all.  The problem is so many self-help books are flawed in that they focus only on you.  You can explore the deepest parts of yourself, but be careful-you can easily get lost.  With God, you have a torch leading the way, one that burns brightly for your whole life.  So long as you hold it in front, that is before you, you will be able to see where you’re going much more clearly.

It’s not about suddenly becoming some super Christian, because Lord knows, I’m not.  God uses us by the very skills He gave us.  If you’re not a pastor or teacher or missionary material, that’s all right!  God knows that!  I’ve written before that my father never went to college, but he’s the wisest man I know.  He works in a little office, and yet he manages to bring up his faith in a quiet, subtle way.  It’s a gentle nudge here and there.  God has a purpose specifically designed for my father, and it’s the same for everyone.  We just have to put aside our selfish desires and pay attention.  I think we tend to do better when we decide to pay attention to the gentle nudges.  They’re a lot better than painful shoves, although at times we need those, too.

What I’ve learned the most is just how much my own selfishness has caused me to isolate myself from almost everyone.  First of all, I’m ashamed about my current living situation.  I shouldn’t be, but I am.  That’s a constant struggle I have.  How could I tell people that I still live with my parents at 36 years of age?  Who would want to get to know me, or date me?  How could anyone not see a lazy, good-for-nothing person?  People will and do judge, whether they intend to or not.  It’s just how we’re wired, part of our sinful nature, and it’s a sad thing.  It’s also so very wrong, and we are the harshest judges when it comes to ourselves.  Of course, we deny stuff too, and lie.  God helps me by giving me a cleaner reflection than I could ever invent.  As for my living situation, it is what it is.  I’m trying to change it, and I know when the time is right, it will happen.

Another thing that’s really selfish of me is being afraid of trying and failing, or even trying and succeeding.  That probably sounds pretty weird, so let me elaborate.  I’ve written about it before, that my greatest two fears are success and failure-hence I’m stuck. 

It’s selfish to live in a way that’s too safe.  To fail is more familiar, and is almost a comfort, really.  If I suddenly succeed with my poetry, or art, or writing, what then?  Ah, the unknown, and the responsibility that comes with it-that truly terrifies me.  Isn’t that strange?  Maybe it is, and maybe not-so many go through their entire lives and only after the kids are grown, or after they enter retirement do they actually gather the courage to do what they’ve wanted to do all along.  Then they slap their foreheads and collectively wonder, “What the heck took me so long??”

But I thought it wasn’t all about me?  Here’s the thing: if God wired you to enjoy photography-go forth into the world and take pictures, for crying out loud!  If God wired you to enjoy cooking, go ahead and shake ‘n bake!  Just take Him with you, that’s all He asks!  That’s not so hard, is it?  (Okay, it is, kinda, if you’re not used to it.  As with any habit, it gets better the more you do it.) Anyway, that’s what I meant by trying to include Him.  It sounds a little strange and often my immediate reaction is the exact opposite, but that’s the whole point.  God loves all of me and wants all of me, not some half-assed attempt.  I question Him, complain to Him and even yell at Him at times.  (Trust me, He can take it.)  If I want to do a little good in the world, then God has to come with me and be first.  When I draw cartoons or make funny captions, if I do so with Him in mind, then I’m really serving Him and thus, His purpose.  It’s true for you, too. 

So here’s another shocking thing I should have known, but had to relearn: don’t look for your own truth.  That’s another common misconception, because really the truth only has one version.  Either something is true or it's not.  2+2 can never equal 5, no matter how much you want it to.  God is truth.  The truth isn’t always pretty, but it doesn’t have to be.  It simply IS.

It’s not all about me.

But, guess what?  God can say, “It’s all about Me…because what I did was all for you.” 

That’s a beautiful truth, if you ask me.